Why Me, Why Now?

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My seemingly disproportionate emotional reactions to banal situations, derision for others with unimaginative or inefficient ideas and my penchant for getting the whole room involved in increasingly chaotic drinking games have time and again been cited as areas of my life where I need to "reign it in." In FIRST GRADE, my teacher had to schedule a double-length parent-teacher conference to discuss increasing my tolerance of my peers and being more respectful of them and their stupid ideas. 35 years later "constructive feedback" calls at work revolve around "why I always have an answer for everything," which is just corporate speak for "stop being a know-it-all."

This feedback wasn't always unwarranted. I did need to be taken down a peg or two. I do try my best to soften my delivery, take a beat before responding, or let a situation play out, even if it means it takes longer. But even as I matured, and went to therapy, and practiced mindful breathing, I was still me. My instinctual responses to situations are what they are. I might have better control over their physical manifestations, but 1991 Hannah and 2025 Hannah are remarkably similar. 

As we are all taught to do from a young age, I developed ways to disguise and tone down my "extraness." In grade school I learned to stopped correcting teachers when they mispronounced my name (it's HAnnah.. like Moana), because I was so frequently chastised for speaking out of turn.  To this day, I often rely on others to correct someone's pronunciation. 

I lead with apology in new situations, especially at work. I learned to explain that I have resting bitch face from the start (I called it Bitchy Neutral before RBF was mainstream), in an attempt to head off some of those "constructive feedback" conversations.  

I tried so so hard to plant seeds of ideas with people who could introduce them with more tact, even if it meant I wouldn't get credit for the idea (I usually failed). 

I stayed behind to collect all of the wasted agendas and information packets printed for client meetings that get left behind, tearing them up for scrap paper, rather than making a rude comment. 

But the reality is, all of these work arounds were maladaptive behaviors. And it's not like these workarounds were hiding criminal instincts! All of this energy was expended hiding parts of my true self that were not in accordance with what the world expected. 

My Libra sun demands fairness, balance, and harmony. It needs to balance dark with light. It needs beautiful things, and loves the color pink, and gives me a unique ability to instinctively see both sides to a situation. It helps me navigate social situations with ease, make small talk at cocktail parties and ensure that everyone feels included. And yes, it also means I have trouble enforcing boundaries, can be self-centered and judgemental at times, and my outgoing exterior has historically masked a deep insecurity and sense of "otherness."

My Gemini rising enhances that social butterfly persona, it fuels my voracious appetite for travel, my love of learning, pursuit of higher education and interest in a wide variety of topics. It's my sarcastic, dry sense of humor and the entertainer instincts that have so often landed me in hot water. An intense FOMO about the lives I'm not living and the potential I'm not reaching lead to restlessness and flighty behavior. I have an unquenchable thirst for more.

I had to look no further than my Moon in Pisces to understand my deep feelings and innate understanding of the human condition. It is a deeply sensitive placement. I process the world through my emotions, rather than logic and intellect (although my sun and rising signs are intellect-forward so sometimes they balance it out, and sometimes they are in conflict with each other). To make it extra fun, my uber sensitive moon sits in the area of life that deals with career, public image and reputation in my chart. This connected so many dots for me, since my emotional wellbeing can often be directly linked to my status at work. It also explained why early career experiences in the humanitarian field had such a significant affect on my mental health. In a field where a traditional definition of "success" is rarely an achievable goal - I was essentially set up to fail.

These three main placements, coupled with dozens of other details present in my birth chart helped me understand that my inability to change my "weak areas" weren't due to a failure of will or discipline, but because they are the fundamental things that make me... me.

Why should I continue choosing environments that force me to battle my natural instincts on a regular basis?

Why pick a career in spaces where I would continue to receive the same "constructive feedback" every quarter? 

Did I enjoy literally sitting on my hands or biting my tongue to stop myself from stepping in and taking over the meeting that was running amok?

Surely there was a way for me to lean into these gifts and make some strategic decisions in service of living a life that prioritized environments where they could be let off leash? 

So I started mapping it out - what were the non negotiable things that I needed in my life, in my work, in my friendships, and what were the non starters? Could I create a "cheat sheet" that I could incorporate into decision making processes and evaluation of opportunities in order to understand if I would be forced to constrict, or able to proudly shine?

Strategists are always asking "what if" 

The Plan asks: 

• What if you stopped apologizing to others for the parts of your personality that rub people the wrong way?
• What if you embraced them, nurtured them, and then let them fly?
• What if you treated your instincts as a trusted partner in decision making, instead of a feeling to fight against?
• What if you stopped saying yes to things that conflict with your values, or that put you in situations where you have to shrink (or expand) to fit?
• What if you had the audacity to build the life you want to live?